Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

I’m awake but I object,