Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.