Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

“what’s it like having a sister?”

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Jogging has never helped my memory.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.