[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
the three genders
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H