Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and