[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth