Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

he was correct

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?