Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

😁

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

He took my last fry, your honor

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

I know

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what