Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
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Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
found my next D&D character name
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.