Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
All generalizations are stupid.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
gentlemen, hear me out
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
