Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
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According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My what?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.