Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder