Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.