Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
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God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Every BBC series about the universe.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping