Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.
Or tweet trying, to understand men.
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KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Me: ..and a small sprite.
McDonald’s Girl: Want a large? All sizes are only $.99
Me: I ASKED FOR SMALL YOU DIABETES PEDDLER ok gimme a large
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.