(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
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Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
When you don’t understand how floors work
