(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Mike is short for Micycle
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME