(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.