it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
You Might Also Like
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs