Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
You Might Also Like
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team