Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
How high do the levels go?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams