Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
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They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.