Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
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My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
Very good news from my accountant
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
honey, bring out the fine china.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
The hardest thing Vision has to do
