Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
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“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
The photographer’s assistant
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.