Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.