Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.