Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
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There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
The glory of fall.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess