Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault