Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
You Might Also Like
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Not recommended for beginners.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Y’all know who you are.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?