Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

There’s no “u” in narcissist

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

A Match(.com), but for socks.

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.