[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.