[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.