Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.