*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
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[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.