Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

Dolls on drugs

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily