*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
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[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
