*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Interior designer.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
prepare for carbonated trouble
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.