Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

Whoops

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.