*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
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I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”