Unexpected Judgment
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her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I fixed it. For me
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.