Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch