Unexpected Judgment
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig