Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time