Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

u spoke cat all this time??????

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws