Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

I’m awake but I object,

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

what?

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST