Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
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Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
New tinder profile pic
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.