Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

Whisper out to librarians!

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

a public service announcement

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..