Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.