Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I need better friends
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
