Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
🙂🐾
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.