Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
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This is hilarious
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
May never get over this
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Was it something I said?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
