Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

Clients after you give them your rates

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Hear me out: WrestleVania

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?