Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss