Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
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Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out