Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa