Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

You’re never alone. Theres mold

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*