Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me 2 months after i graduated

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground