Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Somebody’s lying.

Human are so complicated

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.