Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.