Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say