Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

I just love that new Pope smell.

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.