Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
everyone’s a critic
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.