Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)