Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
You deplete me
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper