Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
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my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Brilliant!
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”