Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
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If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
No. YOU-buprofen.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
From my Mom
