Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
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“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Holy shit he’s back
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean