Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
You Might Also Like
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
A classic…
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”