Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

can’t catch a break

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Who wants to be my Valentine?

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker