Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*