unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
You Might Also Like
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Tremendous stuff
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?