Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.