unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
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I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.