Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Me buying fruit and veg
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
Unexpected Judgment
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers