Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic