Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
You have been warned.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow