Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true