Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
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give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
buys donuts instead
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.