Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
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It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
what it’s like dating me:
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.