Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
thoughts?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Good point.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself