Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
getting old is fun