Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot