Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
do horses think humans are hats
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
old twitter is back baby