Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Care for your back

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does