Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.