Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

Goat cheese is for herders.

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.