Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

My Guy

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?